Discover Your Carnality Quotient - With this Sexual Activity Test

Many years ago an economist pointed out an amusing fact about American life: Hem lines rise with the Dow Jones average. Well, since Wall Street has been experiencing a liitle toil, it seems likely that if the stock market goes higher, hem lines will be up around women's necks!
We don't have a crystal ball where economics are concerned. But we do believe we have a reasonable sense of sexual trends. It's clear that there's a bull market for bawdiness out there in the American Hardland - and we're not just talking about the length of skirts and dresses.
Current events prove beyond doubt that we Americans want, no, demand our personal sexual freedom - and our personal sexual privacy as well! Most people these days generally seem quite comfortable with the eroticization of many aspects of American life, from primetime television to high school health education classes. Americans are open about their own prurient preferences, too. And they're basically ready to allow people who have, shall we say, minority viewpoints to do what they damn well please.
But all that has to do with attitude. When we consider the climate of lascivious liberty that seems to be spreading across America, we can't help but wonder about activity as well. We wonder just how completely most people are actually taking advantage of the erotic opportunities that surround them, in terms of their own sex lives.

And then it dawned on us.
One of the many functions that pioneering publications can serve, is as a sort of lewd litmus test of orgasmic openness! Look through and study the subject matter. You won't see violent S&M, or any other such extremist, fringe activity. Why, you won't even find gay male sex. (To quote Seinfeld, "Not that there's anything wrong with it....")
We tend to leave the graphic exploration of fringe activity to others. We focus on that vaste spectrum of human eroticism, infinite in its variety and thrilling in its intensity, that could be classified as "average" - from missionary to mildly kinky. Taken one step further, that means the acts could become the basis for a pretty good test of erotic openness. And taken one MORE step, you can use the acts listed here as a kind of checklist of how free YOUR carnal activities are!

Consider the following questions:

1. Do you and your partner regularly engage in oral sex - BOTH fellatio and cunnilingus?

If you're a man, give yourself one point for getting blowjobs, and THREE points for eating pussy. (T'is more blessed to give than to receive!) If you're a woman, score yourself the other way around - one point for being eaten, three for giving head; and while you're at it, give yourself an extra point (for a total of four) if you go that extra yard (or do you consider it a mile?) and swallow.

2. Do you engage in anal sex using (a) fingers only; (b) fingers and tongues; (c) fingers, tongues, and full-size dildoes and/or penises?

The scoring for this one's a bit complicated. For Man Doing It To Woman-style anal sex, the guy gets one, two, and three points respectively. The woman gets two, four, and SIX points - because in our studied opinion ,the terms "Woman Who Butt-Fucks" and "Really Good Sport And All-Around Great Gal" are practically synonymous. For Woman Doing It To Man-style anal sex, the scoring is once again reversed - except that if the man enjoys being anally stimulated TOO much (you know who you are out there) add zero points. And we're being generous at that (see the last part of Question 3).

3. Have you ever had a three-way? The scoring's rather complicated here, too.

Give yourself two points if the third member of your triad was of the opposite sex. If you're a woman and the third member was also a woman, give yourself five points - for giving your male friend such a wonderful present! If you're a man and the third partner was also a man, give yourself SEVEN points - because you are extremely obliging to your woman - AND must really be sure of your manhood to allow another male to get a crack at your honey! Of course if you and the other male got it on yourselves and totally stopped paying attention to the woman, DEDUCT seven points from your total score. Not that there's anything wrong with it... but being a closet-case is a sign of denial, NOT a sign of sexual openness.

Now do the numbers:

If you scored 16 to 20 points, whether male or female, you are a paragon of sensual health, and your erotic activity range is admirably wide. Congratulations! Just remember to always wear your rubbers and generally engage in safe behaviors, so your physical health keeps pace with the mental kind!

If you scored 10 to 15 points, you're still quite broadminded in the Dirty Deeds Department - though more towards the average portion of the spectrum. But what the heck - this is "average" carnality we're taking about here anyway.

If you scored fewer than 10 points - your sexual attitudes and activities need work, friend.

Of course while the test you've just taken is quite a "coarse screen" for erotic activity, we do believe it's a sound first step. But while it's true that a journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step, we also believe it's time the American mental health community got its collective ass in gear. And so we invite the prurient powers-that-be to put their money where their, ahem, mouth is, haul out their checkbook and earmark some some funds for the development of a National SAT. Sexual Activity Test, that is.

If that happens, we can just imagine the pick-up line in some singles bar of the near-future: "Hey, wanna party? Check out my papers... I just scored 1500 on my SAT's."